Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.