*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead


“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.


[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]


7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.

Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.


Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”


Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.


ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?

KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*


*pulls shirt back down*

I guess I don’t understand what a flash mob actually is.


Bath time without my phone:

10 minutes

Bath time with my phone:

45 minutes
1 wrinkly baby


The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.