@Darlainky

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

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@chairmanMAO_92

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

@OctopusCaveman

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

@PostCultRev

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

@kikdbakbitch

7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.

Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@drankturpentine

ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?

KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*

@ComeHome4Dinner

*pulls shirt back down*

I guess I don’t understand what a flash mob actually is.

@CallMeDraper

Bath time without my phone:

10 minutes

Bath time with my phone:

45 minutes
75 retweets
1 wrinkly baby

@GymVsTheVolcano

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.