*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.