ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*
Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
my mother was an avid collector of porcelain dolls and that’s all you really need to know
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.