Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar
Me too kid, me too
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.