* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.