@GarrettCake

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

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@ZoeLightly

I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*

@VeryLonelyLuke

I’m good at making friends.

Wait, that’s not right.

Correction: I’m good at making friends up.

@Jerrypleasure

me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done

@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

@ericsshadow

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

@TheBoydP

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

@aissalanis

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

@blade_funner

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

@SatansTongue

*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
Chapo: ok
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell