“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat