why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.
*eats another Oreo*
I’m good at making friends.
Wait, that’s not right.
Correction: I’m good at making friends up.
me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate
wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell