“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
good work, everybody
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
good let them take over I have had enough
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.