[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
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Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
🙁
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.