Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
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You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.