Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”