I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
what?
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When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫