Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

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How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”


Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.


I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!


Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.


Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.


Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”


My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix


“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.


There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.


To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.