@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

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@TheWeirdWorld

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

@KindOfASmartass

I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!

Seriously.

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

@WildeThingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

@MarylandMudflap

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

@lmegordon

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

@lecalabara

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

@WhiskeySoured

To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.