Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
when revenge coincides with naptime
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”