Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Swedish for common sense.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math