Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
She was REALLY feeling it.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.