assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
You Might Also Like
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
O Wise One….
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
at ease…shoulder.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.