[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My blood type is coffee.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200