Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me after drinking all the wine:
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
not for long