Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”


“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams


As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.


Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.


HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.


best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!


*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..


I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.