Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.

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her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault


Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.


Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?



M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!


are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out


Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance


What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?


CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.


old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia


Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.