her: tell me about yourself
me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault
Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.