@WowItsStephen

Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.

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@iamspacegirl

her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault

@ReeseButCallMeV

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

@pickupIines

are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out

@tomgara

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

@Bob_Janke

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

@Mostly_Cheese

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.