When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m Sold!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.