@benorlin

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

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@Freudianscript

I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.

@LeBearGirdle

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@_Enanem_

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

@FellowIdle

Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.

@wickedimproper

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@10InchesPlus

Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.