Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails