Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

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“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.


“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”


the turkey takes his mask off
it’s edward snowden
obama groans, it’s too late to unpardon him now


thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit


Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.


If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.


Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me


Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.