“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You Might Also Like
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
the turkey takes his mask off
it’s edward snowden
obama groans, it’s too late to unpardon him now
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.