@TheAlexNevil

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

You Might Also Like

@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

@HatfieldAnne

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

@sarahjeong

the turkey takes his mask off
it’s edward snowden
obama groans, it’s too late to unpardon him now

@climaxximus

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@AGreaterMonster

If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.

@caitiedelaney

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

@DomesticGoddss

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

@KevinBuffalo

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.