[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I know karate and tons of other words.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept