[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

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‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?


Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.


{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.


“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.


[aliens arrive on earth]

people: w- what do you want

aliens: peace

people: oh thank god, cause we thought-

aliens: *pull out laser cannon* and quiet


Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.


Fake news on television is getting out of hand. Sponges don’t even live in pineapples


These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.


If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.