*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??