i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
You Might Also Like
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why