Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
You Might Also Like
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like….
‘I’ve got nothing man.’