Me: I’ll have some cold water
Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water
Me: yall got ice?
Me: I have a crazy idea
Astrology is bullshit. I know. I’m a stegosaurus.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.