@ozzyunc

Astrology is bullshit. I know. I’m a stegosaurus.

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@TweetPotato314

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

@ArfMeasures

“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?

@david8hughes

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

@spaceboyriley

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

@dlicj

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

@squirrel74wkgn

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

@TheWadest

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

@SentenceReduced

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

@BBQJones28

For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.