I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?