astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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Hotels are back
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”