Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”