Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Hello Twits.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what