@sonictyrant

Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon

Houston: what ! proceed carefully

Me: you think we should p-

Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST

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@solsayswhaaa

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

@BuckyIsotope

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokรจmon

@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

@AaronFullerton

Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”

@MikeCanRant

I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”

@Gooooats

My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.

@ronnui_

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?