Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
dutch so unserious
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?