@sonictyrant

Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon

Houston: what ! proceed carefully

Me: you think we should p-

Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST

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@PonyMartini

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

@SondraDeeMe

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

@MartaEffing

[breakup talk]

H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

@JizzIam

Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

@meganamram

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!