[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon
Houston: what ! proceed carefully
Me: you think we should p-
Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST
You Might Also Like
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
*goes in for first kiss*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”
I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”
My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?