People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon
Houston: what ! proceed carefully
Me: you think we should p-
Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST
You Might Also Like
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
I learned snapchat finally
Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!