REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Wait for it
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.