Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[arrives safely and not murdered]
This is bullshit.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.