astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

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Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!


DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers


Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.


Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.


Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.


I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.


Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.


Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.


Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.