astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Sheep
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen