@Shen_the_Bird

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

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@Browtweaten

Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!

@roxiqt

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

@just1fool

Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.

@brianbowman73

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

@RickAaron

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

@thesulk

Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.

@werehedgehog

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.