i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy