@_mascaragirl

*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*

Earth: “Delete it.”

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@NeinQuarterly

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

@Book_Krazy

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

@buhsbaby_baby

*drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.

@Lpbinder

You haven’t experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.

@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@ArfMeasures

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

@GaryJanetti

I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.

@PleaseBeGneiss

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@MarieLoerzel

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.