*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*

Earth: “Delete it.”

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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.


Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.




*drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.


You haven’t experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.


Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe


Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag


I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.


MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*


Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.


Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.