@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

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@camelSWAG69

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

@TwinSurvivalist

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@rad_milk

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

@xLiserx

Lois Lane spends a lonely afternoon at the beach because she doesn’t recognize any of her friends in sunglasses.

@Lazer_Cat_

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

@LizerReal

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?