Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
When you don’t understand how floors work
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Yup….perfect score!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
HR said no more nunchucks.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship