Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
*throws football at my head*


The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.


Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao


I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now


Lois Lane spends a lonely afternoon at the beach because she doesn’t recognize any of her friends in sunglasses.


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”


How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?