Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

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I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English


[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need


Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.


Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.


Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha


My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.


Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.