[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
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Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.