[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy