Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Möther may I have a snäck
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
me and my fake scenarios
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches