Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
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I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
No. YOU-buprofen.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.