Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!