Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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*weighs self after shaving
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
TODAY
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”