@1_swarthy_dude

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

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@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

@Stellacopter

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

@HeyoShellz

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

@Dawn_M_

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

@Emily_R_King

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

@david8hughes

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

@NYC_Blonde

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

@SortaBad

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit