Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
You Might Also Like
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I like crazy people until they notice me