If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.
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You may recognize me from such films as:
HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.
Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.