@Sickayduh

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.

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@PaperWash

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

@mewritesgood

You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13

@Gupton68

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

@JennInTheCorner

Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.

@karentozzi

Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.

@Jandalize

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

@Steven37366100

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@junejuly12

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

@747boozybri

Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.