Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
You Might Also Like
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”