@Sickayduh

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.

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@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@Marcmywords2

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

@LurkAtHomeMom

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

@SaraThomas84

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

@markydoodoo

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

@breatheandlove

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

@2tickytacky

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

@kwirkyKerri

I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.

@realHamOnWry

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.