At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.


Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….


Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased


[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.


I’ve never tried bull riding but I have held on the edge of a bed for dear life while sleeping with a toddler, so same


Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.


What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?


When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work


Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying