I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’ve never tried bull riding but I have held on the edge of a bed for dear life while sleeping with a toddler, so same
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying
Noah: *eyes narrow*