@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

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@WheelTod

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

@ReeseButCallMeV

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

@BuckyIsotope

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

@Kids_kubed

I’ve never tried bull riding but I have held on the edge of a bed for dear life while sleeping with a toddler, so same

@amishschool

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

@ChipKellysBalls

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

@solomongeorgio

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

@NyAdas

Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying