I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.
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5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?
*racks the chamber*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Its the little things that bring the most joy – Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]
*scrawls on napkin*
*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]