“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.