Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

set yourself free xox

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.