[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

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PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends


I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?


When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next


My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!


HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you


Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?


My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.


Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college


Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?

Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?

Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering