Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

Somewhere in an alternate universe

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

huge if true: the moon

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Welcome to the stomach

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.