[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
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Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.