[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.