At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Yes, but it was never about money
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro