*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
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“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
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me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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Me: Funny how?
Me: kill me now!
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“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
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MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
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