never deleting this app.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.
Dear Google Maps,
Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she’s fat and you try to respond “Nooo” autocorrect changes it to “Moo” so that’s pretty cool.
*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?